Let go and let God.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 (TNIV)


It's almost 3:00AM, and I cannot fall asleep. Partly because I slept so much today and partly because I'm in so much pain from my surgery still.

My surgery went well, all the nerves died that were supposed to. Now I'm in recovery stage, which takes about 30-40 days (yeah, ouch). For those of you who don't know, I have Occipital Neuralgia. Back in August, they did a neurotomy on the right side of my head, where they basically kill the right occipital nerve. Well last week I had the same thing done on the left side. The left side was a bit of a fighter after the surgery back in August. Around mid-October, the pain spread to my whole body. (This pain isn't just an achey pain. It's pins and needles, burning, stinging, and aching all at the same time. So you can imagine why we wanted to figure this out as soon as possible). Since then, I've been everywhere diagnosis wise. They thought it could be MS, Lyme disease, migraines (heck no!), we went back and forth with Occipital Neuralgia, and they tested me for literally every disease or infection known to man. I'm not kidding. Once, they took ten viles of blood. TEN. TEN! (Sorry, but I won't be a blood donor for awhile. They've taken enough of my blood!!). Anyways, it's been 4 days since the surgery, and recovery has been tough. After the nerve is destroyed, the area around it basically is just really, really...angry. I really don't know how else to describe it, I mean, my head feels like it's on fire, like a sunburn. But, oddly enough, that's good actually. It means we got the nerve. I got used to it last time, hopefully this time will be the same. This nerve was a piece of work, but we got it. The other nerve didn't grow back thankfully, and we're hoping for the same results! It's very complicated.

Dr. Watts (my pain management doctor) has been amazing to us the past few months. When my neurologist, Dr. Baker, left, I just seriously had no idea what we were going to do. It takes weeks, months actually, to get into a neurologist, especially one who has to take on all of Dr Baker's patients. We really weren't sure where to go! But Paul came into our life soon after and he has been a huge blessing. I never thought a pain management doctor could help with neurological stuff! But I'm so glad we went to him!

And I feel so incredibly blessed by everyone who came to visit me in the hospital this past week, sent me a text, wrote on my Facebook, called and asked my parents how I was doing, and especially, especially I am blessed to have my parents. Without them, I seriously have no idea what I would do. They are amazing. And I just want to thank you for being there for me this year. I seriously have the best friends and family, and even people who I don't know! Hearing that I'm being prayed for in a church that one of my mom's friends goes to, or being prayed for in chapel, it's just such a blessing to me. It just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! And I can't forget to mention my professors and TAs. They have been incredibly patient and caring with me this semester with me being gone so much and missing class. I couldn't have asked for better professors to go through this with. Even though I had to drop to nine hours and take two incompletes, I feel alright school-wise. Well, I mean, I guess as alright as somebody with five kajillion assignments to make up before next semester can be. I just have great professors, and I'm so so so SO blessed to be here at ACU! And I want to thank Tina Fleet and Student Life for taking the time to visit me and sent me flowers and some really comfortable slippers! What other university does that?!
Thank YOU, yes, YOU for walking with me this year.

 
Tonight, as I lay awake in my bed trying so desperately to fall asleep, I find my Bible and James 1 is the first page I open to. This past year, this past month especially, has been a struggle. I have been tested in so many areas of my life, and I think I'm just now feeling God's hand on my shoulder, and He's saying to me, "I'm in control."

A few weeks ago, I went to the Tenth Avenue North concert with my roommate Hayley and our friend Yvette, and there was this song that really just spoke to me. It took hold of my spirit, and I poured my heart out to God. I mean, I was standing there with my hands held high, crying, and singing along as loud as I could while crying, probably sounding like a dying walrus. But Jesus doesn't care. I never felt so close to Him! I just felt like Jesus was right there beside me, holding his hands up high with me. The song itself is wonderful. I felt like I wrote it. I've never related to a song better than I do with this one. I think I've posted this song before, but here are the lyrics again anyways:

Worn
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
 

I am worn, and I am scarred. But God has mended my heart and my spirit. For the longest time, I wouldn't let God in. I refused. I was angry with Him. I lost friendships that I miss dearly, I missed out on summer activities and I let people down and felt awful for it, and I missed out on so many things my first semester of college because of this. How else am I supposed to feel?

But lately I've changed my perspective. I've realized how truly blessed I am! I have the best family anyone could ask for, I have amazing friends, an awesome roomie, an incredible hall, and great professors at a great university. Sure, my year may have really just sucked. But somehow and somewhere in the future, I'll understand why this all happened. I hope I can use my story to help somebody in their life if they are struggling. My faith is strong right now, and I believe that my trials are over. I feel the love of God rushing through my body, taking away my doubt and my fears. Even though the physical pain is still here, my spirit has never been healthier! Christ is amazing, and I love Him with all my heart.



Wow, this was definitely a ramble post. But hey, it's 3:40AM.

Lesson: Let go, and let GOD.