It's all in the attitude

I had a hard, hard week last week. We went to Temple, throughout the tests, I was shocked 70+ times, jabbed with a needle in my arms and legs, seen by four or five doctors all saying the same thing, all to come home with no answers. Can you say, "frustrating!!!"? Yeah.

Then, we come home to find my dog, Scooby, still sick. We had to end up putting him down... He was my best bud since third grade. It definitely was a hard choice, but we knew that it was the right one. I miss him a lot, and I think Allie does, too. It's weird coming home to only one dog.

Safe to say it was a sucky week.

Yesterday, we went to my pain management doctor and figured out a few things we can do to hopefully control the pain. Hopefully something will work! I feel really good about our game plan.

The lesson: It's all in the attitude. Yes, last week sucked. It really did. But after our visit with Dr Watts yesterday, my attitude about finding a solution is better!

I'm not even sure what to name this post.

Well, let's see...


The tests in Temple were interesting. They shocked me over 70 times, and they stuck needles in my arms and legs. They also made me stare at a little red dot on a TV screen. All these tests looked at my nervous system and the speed of my nerve reaction. The shocks and the needles hurt really bad. I never want to go through that again! Basically, we didn't come home with any answers. We talk to the neurologist tomorrow over the phone to talk about all the test results. So let's hope for the best!

I still am in a lot of pain, and unfortunately the medicine that I was sent home with makes me very nauseous and I can't stand that. The other pain medicine just makes me have weird and sometimes frightening dreams, so I can't take that at night. So basically, I'm stuck. The ride home was horrible and finally after a lot of crying, I finally got calmed down and drugged up enough to let me sleep for the rest of the three hours.

When we got home tonight, Scooby still wasn't feeling good. Well, sadly, we ended up putting him down. It was the hardest decision we've ever made. Not really the hardest, but you understand what I'm saying. We just couldn't watch him suffer any longer. So Scoob, buddy, I hope you are having a great time in doggie heaven eating lots of peanut butter sandwiches. You'll be missed! Love you bud!

This week wasn't ideal, and it was, I'll just say it, sucky.

The Lesson: Honestly, I'm not sure... I think I just really need to trust in Him and trust in His timing. It's extremely hard. And honestly, I'm mad at God. I'm upset and angry. But I know I need to trust Him. It's just hard. But with my parents and friends by my side, I really think I can make it.

Where's Dr. House?

I'm not going to talk about politics in this post. The only thing I'll say about that is I learned that it brings out the worst in people. Can't we just agree to disagree? We should love one another and respect one another's opinions if we don't agree with them. Peace an' blessins, peace an' blessins.

Okay, that's all I'm saying about that.

Anyways, we are in Temple right now. I have an appointment at 8:30 tomorrow morning with the neurologist at Scott and White. We went back to the disease specialist this morning to get the blood tests back and everything looked normal and all the tests for infections came back negative. So she believes that this is a neurological problem, nothing disease related. She was very happy that we have an appointment at S&W and that we got in so quickly. I really truly believe that we are in the right spot. However, I'm completely terrified. We don't know what to expect, how long we're gonna be here, or if we'll even get answers! My biggest issue is that I'm constantly suffering with this pain throughout my entire body, and I have to push through each day and try my hardest to act like nothing is wrong because I hate being the Debbie-downer... But sometimes I can't hold it in. Sometimes I'm not strong enough to do that. I just need to stop worrying about what other people will say or think. Every day is a constant battle for me. Yes I'm only taking 9 hours, but please don't look at me and think, "Oh she has no room to complain about being tired and whatnot. She's only taking 9 hours." I'm dealing with a lot behind the scenes, a lot that people don't know about, and not just with my health. Being a neurological related issue, it constricts me from doing a lot, not only mentally (like reading, my eyes focusing, writing, or concentrating during class), but also physically (exercising, Intramurals, and even with some of the Welcome Week activities back in August). The constant pain causes me to lose sleep. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's constant. I really mean its 24/7. Sometimes it's better than others, but I've gotten so used to the pain. The past few weeks have been the worst. Not to mention how it has almost taken all of my social skills. I'm kind of awkward sometimes now. It took everything I had to stay enrolled this semester. I've missed out on so much already, and it's definitely not how I always pictured my freshman year of college going. I'm sorry that this is a somewhat depressing post. But I have a lot on my heart right now. I'm worn out, I'm scared, but I AM sure in that I know God will take care of me and has been by my side through this whole year. I'm just ready for answers, treatment, and being pain free.

The Lesson: No matter what, God has a plan for you and your situation. He will see you through to the end and keep you strong! (1 Corinthians 1:8). You just have to believe that. God sent us here for a reason and I wholeheartedly believe that.

Oh, and if they can't figure it out, we may have to visit Dr House. I feel like he could figure it out in a heart beat.

God is absolutely, incredibly, awesomely, stinkin' amazing.

So tonight I went to the Tenth Avenue North concert at Beltway and it was so amazing. I have been listening to their album the past couple weeks so I'd be familiar with the songs before the concert, but I don't think I truly listened to the words of the songs before tonight. I felt like God was speaking to me through every sentence, every note. The lead singer told a story about how when he was a teenager he was in a car accident and broke his back. He said it was the hardest time of his life and he never thought he would be where he is right now. But through that suffering he became the person he is today. That story just made me think about my situation, and I felt like he was speaking straight to me. One song that really spoke to me was a song called Worn.

Worn
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

The Lesson: It pretty much describes how I'm feeling and have been feeling the past year. But you know what? God's there and He can mend my heart and give me the strength to keep going. After hearing tonight's concert, I actually have peace in my heart. Seriously. I've said that before, but I've never truly felt it so much as I do tonight. This concert couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's called "The Struggle." It was perfect timing. It was just amazing. I'm speechless and in awe of God's amazing power and love! I learned that God has a reason for everything, and I really think that he put me at that concert for a reason. I'm finally at peace with everything, and I feel like a huge rock has been lifted off my shoulders.

Be thankful in all circumstances

Well, it's November! A time to be thankful. Really, we should always be thankful. But I think November is just a time to express it more and focus solely on thanking God for what we have.

Anyway, yesterday I was reminded how thankful I am to have had the opportunity to go to a Christian high school. Specifically, Abilene Christian High School. Yesterday was their homecoming and the big unveiling of the new gym. It felt weird to not be participating in anything, but the gym looks great and everybody did amazing! I am just so thankful that I was able to go to ACS and be a part of that community. I had so many people come up and ask how I've been, how I'm feeling, and what's been going on. It reminded me how blessed I am to know such amazing people and how great the faculty and staff at ACS are. Regardless of what's going on in my life, I know that they will always be there to ask how I'm doing and want to stay updated on my life.

So, the lesson: thank you, God, for blessing me with the chance to have some amazing teachers and friends at ACS. Thank you for giving me the chance to go there and grow in my relationships. I can't even begin to name everyone who has blessed my life there!